Thinking Barriers

Responsible Thinking

1. Closed Thinking

Lies by omission
Not self-critical
Unreceptive
Sees others’ views as worthless

1. Open Thinking

Truthful and open
Critical of own behavior
Receptive to positive change
Sees genuine value in others

2. Victim Role

Full of self-pity
Blames others, the past, family, genes, circumstances, society
Sees self as a victim

2. Personal Accountability

Reliable, prompt, prepared
Takes responsibility for actions
Admits victimizing others

3. "I'm Okay" Self-Image "I'm not a bad person"

Focuses on personal good deeds
Refuses to admit doing harm
Denies destructive actions

3. Self Respect

Earns respect, shows gratitude
Explores alternatives, works toward solutions
Controls feelings

4. Reckless Careless Attitude

“I can’t” means “I won’t”
No obligation to others
Refuses “disagreeable” tasks
Complies only for benefits
Sees responsibility as dull, irresponsibility as exciting

4. Daily Effort

Is considerate of others
Has healthy associations
Organizes to achieve tasks
Fulfills obligations
Sees responsibility as rewarding

5. Instant Gratification “I want it now”

Expects an instant response
Makes decisions on feelings
Does not learn from the past

5. Self Discipline

Plans and builds for the future
Decides on facts, not feelings
Learns from the past and guilt

6. Fear of “Losing Face”

Has profound fear of personal insults
Refuses to admit fears (over-confident), or
Feels insecure, put-down, worthless

6. Courage over Fear

Views criticism as input
Admits fears, trusts others to help
Meets challenges without dodging

7. Power Control

Desires to control every situation
Manipulates for power and control
Refuses to cooperate (unless taking advantage of others)

7. Healthy Relationships

Chooses to let go of control
Seeks to understand others
Cooperates even when at a disadvantage

8. Possessive Attitude “It’s mine”

No respect for the rights, property or privileges of others
Sees people, places, and things as possessions
Uses sex or sexual insults for power control

8. Respect for Others

Respects the rights, property and privileges of others
Works toward win-win cooperation
Reserves sex for close meaningful relationship

9. Superior Uniqueness

Demands more of others than self
Ignores “Higher Power”
Views self as unique and better than others
Quits at first sign of failure

9. True Humility

Demands more of self than others
Acknowledges “Higher Power”
Views self as no better or worse than others
Has realistic expectations

Tactics

Trust

Tactics – Shifts Blame or Focus

1 . Attempts to confuse
2 . Points out others’ faults
3 . Builds self up by putting others down
4 . Makes a big scene over minor issues
5 . Accuses others of misunderstanding
6 . Uses anger as a way to control others
7 . Argues over “words” to avoid the real issue
8 . Introduces irrelevant issues (race/ gender)
9 . Puts others on defense by embarrassing

Trust – Earn Respect

1 . Speak clearly and truthfully
2 . Point out others’ qualities
3 . Encourage and support others
4 . Calmly endure and respond to minor issues
5 . Seek to understand more than to be understood
6 . Stay focused, calm and kind even in a crisis
7 . Listen and talk respectfully, stay on topic
8 . Point to the truth and stick to facts
9 . Avoid hurting or embarrassing others

Tactics – Lies and Deceives

10 . Deliberately vague
11 . Avoids obligations (”I forgot” or “you didn‘t tell me”)
12 . Tells what others want to hear, not the truth
13 . Omits facts, exaggerates, tells what pleases self
14 . Says “yes” or agrees without meaning it

Trust – Be Truthful and Honest

10 . Be deliberately truthful, open and honest
11 . Be considerate and reliable
12 . Share your thoughts and beliefs with humility
13 . Tell the truth wisely even if it is unfavorable to you
14 . Say it and mean it, do not flip-flop

Tactics – Ignores Obligations

15 . Does not pay attention
16 . Chooses only what is self-gratifying
17 . Refuses to communicate - silence
18 . Minimizes behavior (”no big deal, everybody does it”)
19 . Says “I’ve changed” after briefly doing one right thing

Trust – Build Trust

15 . Stay alert, focused, and do not disappoint
16 . Choose the best for everyone, not just yourself
17 . Communicate with respect for others
18 . Hold yourself to higher standards
19 . Improve steadily with patience and hope

If your life were a movie,
what would it be rated?

Generally Responsible

1. Is responsible in daily routine at home, work and socially

2. Balances hard work, fulfillment of obligations, and recreation

3. Shows genuine consideration for others

4. Earns others' respect through achievement; respects others' rights and property

5. Urges to be slack or violate may arise, but disappear with little or no effort

6. Makes choices for the good of others and self; values opinions and judgments of others

Generally Irresponsible

1. Acts semi-responsible giving many excuses

2. Unreliable, inconsiderate, late, careless

3. Routinely lies, manipulates, and intimidates to get by

4. Lazy, fails to fulfill obligations; has poor work or study habits; lacks goals or direction

5. Exhibits good behavior only when immediate benefits are at hand

6. Pits authorities against each other (parents, teachers, officers, etc.)

7. Expects to fail; is apathetic, makes incomplete attempts

Generally Unlawful

1. May act responsible when there is no alternative, but resists all the way

2. Closed, unreceptive, does not pay attention, thoughtless

3. Deceptive, secretive; thinks of self as better than others

4. Feels successful because offenses or crimes have gone undetected

5. If consequences and restraints are removed, will commit offenses previously only imagined

6. Seems “nice,” surprises many when caught in a seriously wrong act

7. Moves away to gain more freedom and avoid detection

8. Uses others; sees kindness from others as a weakness

Generally Extreme

1. Responsible only when it benefits self or takes advantage of others

2. Commits crime, uses drugs and alcohol to feel superior

3. Promotes self at others’ expense; reckless

4. Over confident, arrogant; tries to “beat the system” against all odds

5. Continually plots and focuses on selfish and criminal thoughts

6. Acts without regard for the consequences to others or self

7. Enjoys using anger to intimidate and get own way

8. Sees self as a “good” person; ignores harm done to others

9. Blames others, cries unfair, claims injustice

Before It’s Too Late

Clinical Psychologist Stanton E. Samenow offers instructive insight into their personalities and gives practical suggestions for taking corrective steps – before the antisocial patterns become entrenched. Includes advice to help parents cope. (paperback)

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